Son of a Scoundrel
by PowerBoi
Summary: Just a One-Shot story from DeviantArt, dedicated to the memory of the Highwaymen. Lyrics are owned and copyrighted by Kris Kristofferson and Shel Silverstien. All mention of Sly Cooper belongs to Sunzaru.


_**Lyrics from/ Story inspired by Kris Kristofferson's 'Son of a Scoundrel'. All rights go to Kris Kristofferson and Shel Silverstien**_

* * *

Not to the South of little old Bonnydoon lived a mean old weasel landlord named Lord Barney Fitch who ran a sugar plantation farm. All day and all night, he would throw a tantrum if the workers didn't farm enough sugar, never coming out from his manor unless it meant three things-a Trooper visit, to count his money, or to issue punishment to the overworked farmers.

Big Barney Fitch, he got soddenly rich  
He got a big fancy house in Melbourne  
With buckets of loot and big black leather boots  
Acting so haughty and well-born

Today, it was the latter. Barney Fitch opened his door with a creak before scanning the surrounding sugar plants. His eyes were like a vulture's eyes, and just as welcoming. Comically, he began to strode, one leg outstretched like the arch of a bridge, the other leg keeping it stable. He kept his comically-awkward stride until he reached a group of dingoes dressed in farmers' clothing. His beady eyes glaring at their leader, he arched his neck like a snake before glancing over at the pile of sugar plant stalks. The leader of the group cleared his throat before trying his damndest not to slip over his words. "Mister Finch, sah. We've been working for eight-mayhaps nine hours. The lads asked that could we-um-mayhap-mayhaps have-um..."

But we of Australia, we're children of convicts  
And some of us wear it quite proudly  
So as he rides by in his carriage so fine  
I wave and I call to him loudly

Impatiently, Barney glared at him before barking, "Speak up, man! Come now, hurry yerself!" The boss gulped before reluctantly answering, "Could the lads have a rest, sah?" Barney gasped before his tail stiffened itself, propping himself up to the Dingo's face just to bark, "A rest, you convict-bred simpleton?! Bah, humbug and balderdash! You can have your rest when you're six feet under and no use to anyone, you mangy, flea-bitten nincompoop! Nincompoops, the lot of you!" Then, he pointed to the stack of plants, his wrist comically shaking as his tone raised to a high-pitched shriek. "And this-is unsatisfactory! This is unacceptable! By the time I return from my establishment, I expect that pile to be filled to the appropriate capacity or it's the CANE for the lot of you!" Like a spoilt child, Sir Barney sulked away, muttering to himself as he disappeared into his manor.

Was your grandma a whore, was your grandpa a thief  
Were they forgers and grafters who fell to their grief  
If you're born of Australia, I know who ya be  
You're the son of a son of a scoundrel like me

Meanwhile, when the sun went down, a strange figure rode for the mansion. Upon dismounting short of the Plantation, the figure began ducking, bobbing and weaving between the various rocks, trees and bushes to reach the manor without being detected by the Dingo guards.

Maggie McKay's got a sweet-lovin' way  
And I know that she does adore me  
But her parents, they feel it would be a bad deal  
They say that she's much too good for me

Upon reaching the walls of one of the smaller buildings within proximity of the manor, the figure began scaling the walls, sticking to the shadows to avoid being spotted. Like a spider, up he went until he reached the tip of the spire. Then, with the agility of a cat, he leaped from the spire and landed atop a clothesline. Carefully, the figure walked across the tightrope before finding a window. The light of the full moon revealed who the figure was-Kelley MacCooper, infamous bushranger and an unwanted guest to the manor.

Was your grandma a whore, was your grandpa a thief  
Were they forgers and grafters who fell to their grief  
If you're born of Australia, I know who ya be  
You're the son of a son of a scoundrel like me

Yet that didn't stop him for a minute. As he carefully opened the window, he muttered to himself, "O-ho, looks like my saunterin' to the midst 'o back o' Bourke paid off well." Slipping in through the window, Kelley stuck to the shadows, slipping through the hallway before he came across a dimly-lit room. Chancing a peak, he saw old Barney Fitch countinf his coins. Then a smile began to grow, hidden behind the ringtail's mask. Silently, he kept moving, tiptoeing past security before making his way to a locked room.

So as we said goodbye, with a tear in her eye  
They were smiling and glad of the breakin'  
But they didn't look so proud when I shouted out loud  
'Til the whole floggin' town was awakened

Kelley rolled his eyes before muttering to himself as he picked the lock, "If this dag's so rich, then why does every rich cobber I steal from store their money in a safe? Would a sock be too convienient?" When the lock cracked open, Kelley carefully opened the door before slipping inside. But what he found wasn't money, but instead just a storehouse load of fifty bags of smuggled sugar. Kelley chuckled, tying the bags to a rope as he began praising himself. "And once again, another successful heist by the one, the only..."

Madam Marie loves the men from the sea  
She says that they're good for business  
Her daughters are found in a section of town  
Known for a certain rudeness

Suddenly, he froze in his tracks when he heard a pistol cock behind him. Turning around, he saw the duke pointing an old flintlock pistol at him. "You..." the duke's tone dripping with disgust, "Petty...Bushranger. Drop the sacks, and maybe I shall let the guards beat you to a twitching pulp. A fair trade, wouldn't you say, my ring-tailed uninvited guest?" Kelley inched toward the window, holding the bags of sugar as he attempted to call the Duke's bluff. "Now why would I want to do that, cobber? Let's just say I get away with these bags and you have the pleasure of meeting yours truly. Not that stuffing bags of sugar and smuggling them where nary hide or hair know is any different from what I'm doing."

Then the cops paid a call, and the judge says, "That's all  
It's time for a new profession"  
Marie laughed out loud, and in front of the crowd  
Says, "Judge, will you answer this question"

The duke snarled, not changing his position. "My, don't we think highly of ourselves? Little thieving rapscallion, I'll have you know you are tresspassing on private property. I could have you hung." Kelley mockingly pulled a sad face at the crotchety old figure, inches from the window. "Oh no, not the noose! Anything but the noose! Think of my beautiful neck. You'll leave scuffmarks. Please have mercy on a poor butcher's son..." For a moment, Barney lost his concentration, throwing the pistol away before screaming, "Why you impudent wretch! You barge into my home, attempt to steal my private property and accuse me of theivery on false grounds of smuggling?! Guards, I-" All of a sudden, Kelley had snuck into Barney's office and cheekily waved at him, holding a bag of the duke's gold in one hand while he used the bags of sugar as a way of escape. "Toodles, mate. I'd love to stay and have a natter, but you know me. Places to go, stuff to bag. Oh by the way, might want to put out that fire." "Fire, what fi-" Suddenly, Barney turned to see a horrific sight; all the sugar crops burning to cinders. "No! My fortune!"

Was your grandma a whore, was your grandpa a thief  
Were they forgers and grafters who fell to their grief  
If you're born of Australia, I know who ya be  
You're the son of a son of a scoundrel like me

And just as Kelley made his grand escape, a blood-curdling scream filled the night sky. "MACCOOPER!" Kelley leaped from the main building to the ground with a thump, stealing away into the night.

After the Dingoes had managed to put the fire out, the leader noticed a piece of paper jutting out from a rock. Curiously, he knelt down before pulling on it. That piece of paper was the calling card of Kelley MacCooper, and on the other side, a sizeable bag of gold was attached to the card. Reading the card, the leader's eyes widened. It read; 'Couldn't take the whole bag. So I'm letting you bottlers have it. Think of it as me saying sorry for burning down a smuggling ring. Signed, Kelley MacCooper. P.S, you're free.' The dingo leader silently shared the card with the others before they all cheered, throwing their caps into the air before they marched away, all of them chanting 'Long live Kelley MacCooper! Hip hip, hooray!'

The next morning, the Troopers arrived at the front gate of the manor. Barney was literally screaming at one of the troopers, "You incompetent bungler! Maloderous buffoon! A blasted thief stole my money and burned my crops! This is property damage!" But that trooper wasn't listening, instead escourting the former Lord to a Trooper carriage. "Then explain the smuggled goods." Barney asked him, understandably irritated "Goods, what goods?" As if Karma decided to step in, another Trooper had behind him the same bags of sugar Barney had thought Kelley had stolen. "But-what-preposterous! Absolutely inconcievable!"

Meanwhile, in the distance, Kelley sat back and watched the Troopers do their work. A smile crossed his cheek, just before he mounted his horse. Even when he noticed the bag he held was half as heavy as before, he felt satisfied with what he did. And in a way, he hit two birds with one stone; he managed to rip off an infamous Lord and gained a bargain in the process.

Was your grandma a whore, was your grandpa a thief  
Were they forgers and grafters who fell to their grief  
If you're born of Australia, I know who ya be  
You're the son of a son of a scoundrel like me


End file.
